Sabina Kilpatrick

We all make mistakes! Conflict happens in every relationship at some point and in some way. It is normal. It is the willingness to be honest about our feelings and to hear their feelings, that can take a conflict and use it to actually strengthen the connection. When you know the other person will tell you if they are upset and will apologize if you are upset, you trust the relationship. You know you can weather challenges and you both value the connection enough to fix it.

Being able to truly apologize can be a healing balm over a wound. It takes strength and courage. Be proud of this skill.

How to give a true genuine apology: Look them in the eye, say their name, speak calmly and kindly, stay focused on them, be specific about your transgression. Remember to give no excuses or reasons why you did it because that dilutes your taking responsibility. Say you will not do it again and then DON’T DO IT AGAIN! If you keep making the same mistake, even a perfect apology will not build trust because they will stop believing you.

For example: “Sally, I am sorry that I made fun of you. I should not have done that and won’t do it again.” Keep is simple and concise. Then give them a chance to respond if they want to and do not have expectations of forgiveness.

We owe ourselves apologies, too. Look yourself in the eye in a mirror. “Sabina, I am sorry I let you down by abandoning your wishes and speaking harshly to you.” It can be powerful to look into your own eyes and say you are sorry and say “I love you”. Try it sometime. You deserve it.

When we want to love people well, we want to love them in a way that they appreciate. Humans tend to especially appreciate one of the five love languages, as originally identified by Dr. Gary Chapman during his decades long marriage counseling career. These five are: words of affirmation, acts of service received, receiving gifts, quality time together and physical touch. If you love to hug and rub your child’s back, but they hate that, they do not feel the love that you are intending to show. If your Mom only wants you to help her with a big project for Mother’s Day, but you send a gift instead, it may be a miss. Many times, we work to give our dear ones the kind of love that we know they most want.

My question for you is…..what is YOUR love language? What would you most like to receive? What means the most to you? There are quizzes on-line that can help you figure that out if it is not obvious to you. Mine is definitely words of affirmation. When a friend says, “I was thinking about you today, how is your project going?” or “I remember when you told me ____and I still use that tip” or “This made me think of you (and they are right on)”, I melt! I so value feeling heard and appreciated.

A few years ago, I talked to my husband and kids about my love language, as a way to ask for what I want. I tell my kids, I love when you write me a kind card, that’s really all I want. I work to be clear to make it easier for all of us to connect and have a win. I encourage them to tell me as well. It can’t be a withholding game, i.e. “If you don’t know what I want then you suck.” That does no one any good.

Finally, are you giving YOURSELF gifts in your love language? Do you speak kind and supportive words to yourself? Do you make special plans just for you? Do you buy yourself little presents? Do you spend quality along time? Are you kind to your body, getting massages or giving hugs? Let’s be our own best friends and give the love to ourselves while we look out for our dear ones. You so deserve it!

In my opinion, one of the hardest parts about being human is the regret, embarrassment and pain we feel over mistakes we have made. Even though we KNOW in our heads that ‘everyone makes mistakes’ and ‘it’s part of being human’, we so rarely fully forgive ourselves. And sometimes if we struggle to forgive ourselves, we also struggle to forgive others. These festering feelings hurt our own happiness and hurt our relationships. If we feel shame, it hinders our feelings of self-worth. And I have decided that how we truly feel about ourselves affects every single aspect of life, from our courage and vulnerability to how we manifest good things; from the relationships we choose to how we let others treat us.

SO today, let’s forgive ourselves for one mistake. Think about what you would say to a good friend who had made the same mistake. I imagine you would show understanding and tell her that her mistake was not a huge deal. Right? Say those same things to yourself. Maybe even look into your eyes in a mirror, name the specific mistake and say, “I forgive you for _____.” “You were having a hard time and you did the best you could”. “This mistake does NOT define me!” “Now that I know better, I do better and I am proud of myself for facing my mistake and growing.” Talk to yourself and forgive yourself over and over until it feels true and it sticks!

Well done friends! This is hard to do but it has huge benefits that you deserve, Sabina

On my journey to deepening self-love, I sometimes focus on nurturing my inner child. I picture myself as a young girl. I was so dear. I loved my family, I loved animals, I believed the world was good.

I softly hold my cheeks, close my eyes and say “I love you, dear girl” to that sweet child. Breathe deeply and stay with that picture and with that nurturing. When I do this every day, it brings me comfort as well as connection to that inner child. She is me and I am her.

Sometimes I add “we got this”, to show my faith in both of us. We are in this together and we can do great things.

Love yourself at every age and stage, dear ones. All healing and transforming starts with greater self-love and you deserve it.

As I am working to fully embrace this time of transition in my life, I am passionate about helping other women do the same.  Times of transition are not for sissies!  They definitely separate the women from the girls. We choose on a regular basis between hiding under our covers to mourn losses of roles, people, situations and putting on our wonder women capes to tackle challenges with dignity.  I don’t know about you, but most days I am somewhere in between those extremes….or both of those extremes and everything in between in a matter of hours.  Sometimes I need to COCOON and rest, revive and think.  Other times I want to BLOOM by standing up for what I believe in, finding my voice and celebrating.  Like I said…not for sissies!

As we “woman up” to deal with this ever evolving life merry-go-round, we find strength in numbers.  It helps to share our stories and gain insight and wisdom from fellow ‘transitioners’.  It helps to figure out how to spark our own moxie and jumpstart our energy, creativity and desire.  It helps to forge our strength by figuring out who we are now and how to be the woman we want to be.

Here’s to US! We are remarkable sustainers of many and givers of ourselves!  Time to SHINE!