When we want to love people well, we want to love them in a way that they appreciate. Humans tend to especially appreciate one of the five love languages, as originally identified by Dr. Gary Chapman during his decades long marriage counseling career. These five are: words of affirmation, acts of service received, receiving gifts, quality time together and physical touch. If you love to hug and rub your child’s back, but they hate that, they do not feel the love that you are intending to show. If your Mom only wants you to help her with a big project for Mother’s Day, but you send a gift instead, it may be a miss. Many times, we work to give our dear ones the kind of love that we know they most want.
My question for you is…..what is YOUR love language? What would you most like to receive? What means the most to you? There are quizzes on-line that can help you figure that out if it is not obvious to you. Mine is definitely words of affirmation. When a friend says, “I was thinking about you today, how is your project going?” or “I remember when you told me ____and I still use that tip” or “This made me think of you (and they are right on)”, I melt! I so value feeling heard and appreciated.
A few years ago, I talked to my husband and kids about my love language, as a way to ask for what I want. I tell my kids, I love when you write me a kind card, that’s really all I want. I work to be clear to make it easier for all of us to connect and have a win. I encourage them to tell me as well. It can’t be a withholding game, i.e. “If you don’t know what I want then you suck.” That does no one any good.
Finally, are you giving YOURSELF gifts in your love language? Do you speak kind and supportive words to yourself? Do you make special plans just for you? Do you buy yourself little presents? Do you spend quality along time? Are you kind to your body, getting massages or giving hugs? Let’s be our own best friends and give the love to ourselves while we look out for our dear ones. You so deserve it!